To Be Soft
On Softness in a Hard World
This is the Sunday edition of Paging Dr. Lesbian. Plus, this week’s dispatch from the lesbian internet. If you like this type of thing, subscribe!
If you’ve been on fandom-specific Tumblr or Twitter in the last decade (and maybe Reddit, but I still don’t quite understand how that site works), you may have noticed a particular phrase that has become something like a mantra – or a prayer – among fans: they’re so soft. (The pronouns my change – he’s so soft, she’s so soft, I’m soft – but the effect is the same).
There are two main grammatical uses that define this concept, each with a slightly different meaning. The first phrase, I’m soft, is used when someone finds something or someone so cute or adorable that it gives them soft feelings, or, in other words, makes them soft. (A similar concept would be the idea of experiencing the “warm fuzzies”). In its other iteration – they’re so soft, she’s soft, etc. – this terminology is used to indicate that a couple or a person is cute, wholesome, or exemplifies any other comparable qualities. In both cases, while the object of one’s affection is important, it is the fan’s interaction with said object that produces such softness. This feeling of softness (or the act of softening) then circulates between the object and the fan (or fans), both marking this object as soft and defining softness as a desirable affect, ie., a state-of-being to aspire to.
It’s difficult to pinpoint exactly where this focus on softness originates, but I think some of this language can be traced back to this Onion article from 2014. The headline of the article reads “Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure,” which quickly became a meme and was from then on used by fans to describe their favorite characters. (The example used on Know Your Meme is about Dale Cooper from Twin Peaks, for example, but it could be used to describe literally any character, even one otherwise perceived as villainous). This meme is, I think, one iteration of this online fixation with softness or, in this case, “purity,” which tends to crop up among numerous different mediums and genres.
Another popular brand of softness can be found in a particular type of woman-centered art and poetry; ie. the idea that softness (read: femininity) is something powerful that should be celebrated rather than put down. Here we might think of the famous Rupi Kaur poem “to be soft is to be powerful.” But I don’t think this particular iteration of a soft aesthetic quite captures what I’m talking about (though I think this focus on femininity is significant in each instance). Rather, for fans of characters or celebrities perceived as soft, it is less about a vague artistic aesthetic and more about the feeling this softness produces in the other (read: the fan).
Interestingly enough, this preoccupation with softness also seems to coincide with a rise in collective affection for villains. Think of the two most recent iterations of The Joker or Marvel’s Loki, or either of Rosamund Pike’s iconic villains. For queer people, this love of villains is longstanding – villains have been “queer-coded” (as in subliminally marked as queer) for decades, and, rather than repel queer viewers, has at times done the opposite. (As many have noted, this phenomenon is particularly prevalent in Disney films). While villainous adoration may seem to be opposed to this idea of softness, that is not always the case. In fact, sometimes villains get described as “cute” in ways that one might not expect (while researching this piece I encountered descriptions of mass-murderer Loki as a “cinnamon roll”). While I am sometimes troubled by this love for villains – specifically white, male ones – this is not quite what I’m interested in exploring here either, and I do not have the time to go down that particular rabbit hole.
In my line of work, if you will, I most often encounter this sentiment in relation to fictional sapphic couples on television or in films. For example, a fan might tag a gifset of Wynonna Earp’s #WayHaught with the phrase “they’re so soft,” or make a similar statement in the comments section of a YouTube video about them. (More recently I have noticed it used in regards to K-Pop stars, and it has also been applied to gay male couples, as well as, of course, straight couples). Observing this softness, or, indeed, feeling this softness within, is one of the emotional and sensory experiences that draws fans in (and back) to these characters. Fans crave this softness and want to be made soft by the characters they become emotionally invested in. But is this softness opposed to anything, or is it just a positive affect of its own accord? And who, we might ask, is allowed to claim this softness?
With sapphic characters, the idea of softness does not seem to quite play against type in any obvious way. Indeed, sapphic couples are often assumed from the get-go to be automatically more soft and loving because of their perceived abundance of femininity (which of course denies the existence of butch or non-binary lesbians, an issue that is also widespread in pop culture). Perhaps then, it is the idea that the world around us is hard that makes these moments of softness so appealing. To get to a point where you are able to be vulnerable with another queer person despite your own insecurities or the systems that might be set up against you is certainly a moment worth celebrating.
I wonder, though, who does this concept get most readily applied to? It’s no secret (or at least I hope it isn’t) that sapphic representation on-screen skews heavily to the white side. And when queer women or sapphics of color do appear on screen, they often do not get the same level of fan engagement that their white counterparts do. So I wonder then if it is easier for fans (namely: white fans) to apply this idea of softness to white couples than for couples of color, particularly in regards to Black women characters. From whom do we expect strength, and from whom do we expect vulnerability? (We might also expand this question to the idea of villains that I spoke about earlier – I have never in my life seen a Black or Latino villain described as a “cinnamon roll” before). I do not have at my disposal any data that might further illuminate the answers to these questions, but I think they are worth seriously considering nonetheless.
Clearly, this perceived distinction between hard and soft (though they are often two sides of the same coin) is an important part of the fan/character relationship. In some cases, it seems there is joy in seeing characters who are not otherwise “soft” give in to these moments of comfort or vulnerability. And, it seems, this softness is often aspirational. To be soft with another is seen as the ultimate achievement; a moment of pure catharsis. So then, does this notion need to be expanded or limited? Are too many people (read: characters, but also fans) made soft, or not enough? Perhaps, the answer is both. We’re all made soft by one another, in the end.
Welcome to this week’s dispatch from the lesbian internet.
In mutual aid news this week, Them has compiled a list of mutual aid groups in India supporting queer and trans people amid India’s human rights crisis. Donate if you can.
Here are some other things I have enjoyed on the internet this week: this Tweet about Gillian Anderson’s Australian mall tour to support The X-Files in 1996 (during which people lost their damn minds), and this (pictured below) depiction of The Lesbian Period Drama Last Supper.
Also, this post – from queerloveinhistory, one of my favorite Instagram accounts – about lesbian couple Gerry and Judy, who were together for 49 years.
On Saturday, actor Beanie Feldstein (Lady Bird, Booksmart) announced that her long-distance British girlfriend, Bonnie Chance, has officially moved to LA. Hopefully this means we will get more Beanie/Bonnie content in the future. Also on Saturday, JoJo Siwa celebrated her 4 month anniversary with her girlfriend in her Instagram stories, fulfilling my wish that she continue her monthly celebrations. Thank you, ladies!
That’s all for this week, folks! Stay tuned for next week’s deep dive. I will leave with this throwback image (via onyour.knees on Instagram) of Natasha Lyonne and Clea DuVall.
